I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I lost the right to judge tonight
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
