i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
you would pick up someone in the library
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
