you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
