I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
