Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
