It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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