Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
