oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
