Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize