question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
