You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
