what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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