Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
