I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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