Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
