i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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