Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
