so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
