i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
