i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
