You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
