So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
