My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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