There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize