Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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