so explain again why im purple
no
I think I died a long time ago.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
