i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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