I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
