she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize