Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize