In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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