If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
