It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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