She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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