Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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