Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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