Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
so much tequila, so little girl.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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