Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
