Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize