For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
