so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
