If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
