Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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