Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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