Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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