Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
