I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
