When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He felt like a one man threesome
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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