My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
