Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
