I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
