god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
