The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
