I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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