Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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