i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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